We decided to start trying to have a baby! I had always felt as thought I wouldn't be able to carry my own children, and John and I are both open to adopting/fostering. We decided to give it a try until our anniversary in October, but we knew it might be difficult with my unreliable cycles and my thyroid autoimmune disease. If we hadn't conceived by October, we'd go the adoption/fostering route. He REALLY wanted to have a biological child first, though, and was more than willing to try!!
May, 2012
My loving husband decided that it would be GREAT if he could find out on Father's Day that he was going to be a dad. No pressure. Ha! We hadn't had any luck, and I was starting to get frustrated. After I took several pregnancy tests when my cycle was late, all showing negative, I informed John that his Father's Day wish just wasn't going to happen, and he'd have to get over it.
May 30, 2012
During worship at a midweek service at church, I had a moment with God. You know, one of those moments that you can't describe except to say that you were surrounded by the presence of God. I prayed that he would heal me, and allow me to have a child, and I felt an overwhelming confirmation that he would do just that. There's no way to explain it except that it was simply a God moment.
June 5, 2012
I was late... again. This never surprises me. (I've gone six months without a cycle in the past. I've been much more reliable as of late, but nothing is too unusual.) A test came back negative, but I began to think that God had made everything possible just the way he wanted it... I would be able to find out on my birthday (June 10th), and tell my hubby on Father's Day (the following weekend). So I waited...
June 8, 2012
I took another pregnancy test and still negative. I was beginning to feel frustrated. During my morning prayer time, I felt the overwhelming need to pray that my husband's mission trip would be fully funded by the end of the day. This was crazy, because he hadn't recieved money recently, and he was still several hundred dollars away from his goal. I was obedient, though, and again had the overwhelming feeling of God's presence and confirmation. When I received the call from my hubs hn in the afternoon, saying that a check had just cleared for part of his trip, I was so excited and praised God. God had come through with money for his trip! But he was still not to his goal. When he got home, he told me that one of the guys in his men's group had dropped a check to cover the rest of his trip. Are you kidding? This moment was affirmation across the board for me... that even though God's timing and mine weren't the same, He is faithful, and he keeps His word.
June 10, 2012
It's my birthday! But another negative pregnancy test. I was holding tight to the promise of God's faithfulness to ward off the disappointment. I informed John that his Father's Day gift definitely wasn't going to happen. By this time, I was a week late, and decided it was just another whacky cycle. Life continued, God is still good.
June 14, 2012
After still not starting my cycle, I decided to take one last pregnancy test... and it was positive! I took three just to make sure! I went and purchased the Father's Day reveal present... this was really happening!!
It was the day before Father's Day, and I couldn't hold it in anymore! I told my hubby that since I wasn't able to give him what he really wanted, I got him a little something because he'd be my baby daddy one day. He opened the bag to find a tiny LSU onesie, and immediately knew what was going on. He grabbed me in a big hug and started crying. It was such a special moment. We spent the rest of the day shopping for presents to use to announce the pregnancy to the grandparents, aunts, and uncles!
We had our first doctor's appointment today! We went in and based on the dates, we expected to be about seven weeks along, but after having our first ultrasound (yay!), we found out we were only about five weeks along. Our less than helpful ultrasound tech had us concerned that something was wrong, but our doctor assured us that everything looked perfect, and that five weeks along matched more consistently with my long cycles. We were relieved. When we thought about it more, we realized that being only five weeks along changed the date of conception from May 15th (which is when we thought it had happened) to May 30th, the day that God promised it would happen. Talk about awesome!
(It's the black circle!)
It was time to tell our family! We went to his parents' house that night, and then drove to New Orleans, and woke my parents with the news the next morning. Everyone in our family got a little bag with a onesie talking about how awesome the person holding it was (i.e. My brother got one that said "I LOVE my uncle!" Everyone was shocked. His mom cried, my mom screamed (and woke my sister up!), my grandparents were overjoyed. The experience was wonderful! My mom, being the overly excited person that she is, loaded us into her car and took us to our cousins' houses, where we barged in and told them we were pregnant. Knock, knock... Surprise! All in all, it made for a great day!
I started to have some light spotting at night, but decided to wait until the morning to see if it increased.
July 3, 2012
By the morning, I called the after hours clinic because the spotting had increased. It was the scariest feeling, not being sure what was going on. I was asked to call back at 8:30 to schedule an ultrasound. My husband left for work, with the promise that I'd call when I knew anything. By 8:30, I had begun to experience some cramping, and the spotting could definitely be classified as bleeding at this point. After a lot of tedious phone calls and a lot of maneuvering schedules, I was given an appointment to see the nurse practitioner. When I got to the office, she examined me and sent me to ultrasound. An hour into the wait for the ultrasound, the cramping became more severe. By two hours in, I was doubled over in pain, crying, in a room full of women who were largely pregnant. The bleeding had gotten worse, and just as I was about to tell the technicians that I either needed to lay down or be seen, they called me back to the ultrasound.
The ultrasound was extrememly painful. Every movement made the cramping worse. But then, there was a moment that made it all better. We finally got to see the baby's heartbeat! Seeing the little beats just made the whole day worth it. The tech said that she could see a bleed that would explain everything.
As soon as the ultrasound was over, though, the physical discomfort got worse. I went to the restroom and passed a large clot. Back in the room, I felt nauseous, my hands and feet were tingling, and I didn't think I could stand up. They got a wheelchair to bring me to the nurse practitioner's office. After laying in the office for a few minutes, my extremities felt better, I was able to sit up and drink water, and the feeling returned to my hands and feet. We were discussing whether or not we were still going to tell everyone that we were pregnant on the fourth of July as planned. I would wear my lil' bean shirt and post our puppy picture. We could use all of the prayers possible, after all! This baby was a fighter. Through all of this, that sweet little heartbeat was still going strong!
The nurse practitioner came in and stated that I had probably passed the baby when I was in the restroom, that the technician had seen the baby leave the uterus and begin to exit my body just before she finished the ultrasound. We were shocked. After all, we had been saying all along that all we wanted was a heartbeat. The baby could have any problems, and we would deal with it, as long as it had a heartbeat. The reality began to sink in. We waited around for some bloodwork, and left after four hours, in shock, heartbroken, and completely unsure of what came next. We called our parents, and texted our friends who knew. The love and support we recieved were a true gift, but, as my husband so eloquently stated, we've heard it spoken of a million times- this peace that surpasses all understanding. This was the day when we experienced it for the first time.
We have truly experienced a peace that can only be explained as an outpouring from God. By the world's standards, we should be devastated and without hope, but we're not. Don't get me wrong. We have our moments. This has been a very sad and disappointing week. But we have hope, and we have joy, and we have celebrated the short life of our sweet miracle. We did not miss our miracle... God did not forget to give us one. We had our miracle for seven weeks, and we just miss her (or him if you ask my hubby!!). She will always be a part of us, even though we never got to touch her or even see her in person. We are going through a process of grieving, but through all of it, we are standing strong in our faith, knowing that God has BIG plans for us, and that there is a reason this happend. God will reveal His plan to us, whether it is here or when we see His glorious face. For now, we rejoice in the miracle God gave us, and are broken hearted that it didn't last longer. We know that God is good, and that He has our best in mind. Thank you all for your prayers and support. God has used our friends and family to speak life into our hearts at just the write times, and we know that He will continue to do so.
For now, we stand on Philippians 4:7
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
