Missing Our Miracle

February, 2012
We decided to start trying to have a baby! I had always felt as thought I wouldn't be able to carry my own children, and John and I are both open to adopting/fostering. We decided to give it a try until our anniversary in October, but we knew it might be difficult with my unreliable cycles and my thyroid autoimmune disease. If we hadn't conceived by October, we'd go the adoption/fostering route. He REALLY wanted to have a biological child first, though, and was more than willing to try!!

May, 2012
My loving husband decided that it would be GREAT if he could find out on Father's Day that he was going to be a dad. No pressure. Ha! We hadn't had any luck, and I was starting to get frustrated. After I took several pregnancy tests when my cycle was late, all showing negative, I informed John that his Father's Day wish just wasn't going to happen, and he'd have to get over it.

May 30, 2012
During worship at a midweek service at church, I had a moment with God. You know, one of those moments that you can't describe except to say that you were surrounded by the presence of God. I prayed that he would heal me, and allow me to have a child, and I felt an overwhelming confirmation that he would do just that. There's no way to explain it except that it was simply a God moment.

June 5, 2012
I was late... again. This never surprises me. (I've gone six months without a cycle in the past. I've been much more reliable as of late, but nothing is too unusual.) A test came back negative, but I began to think that God had made everything possible just the way he wanted it... I would be able to find out on my birthday (June 10th), and tell my hubby on Father's Day (the following weekend). So I waited...

June 8, 2012
I took another pregnancy test and still negative. I was beginning to feel frustrated. During my morning prayer time, I felt the overwhelming need to pray that my husband's mission trip would be fully funded by the end of the day. This was crazy, because he hadn't recieved money recently, and he was still several hundred dollars away from his goal. I was obedient, though, and again had the overwhelming feeling of God's presence and confirmation. When I received the call from my hubs hn in the afternoon, saying that a check had just cleared for part of his trip, I was so excited and praised God. God had come through with money for his trip! But he was still not to his goal. When he got home, he told me that one of the guys in his men's group had dropped a check to cover the rest of his trip. Are you kidding? This moment was affirmation across the board for me... that even though God's timing and mine weren't the same, He is faithful, and he keeps His word.

June 10, 2012
It's my birthday! But another negative pregnancy test. I was holding tight to the promise of God's faithfulness to ward off the disappointment. I informed John that his Father's Day gift definitely wasn't going to happen. By this time, I was a week late, and decided it was just another whacky cycle. Life continued, God is still good.

June 14, 2012
After still not starting my cycle, I decided to take one last pregnancy test... and it was positive! I took three just to make sure! I went and purchased the Father's Day reveal present... this was really happening!!

June 16, 2012
It was the day before Father's Day, and I couldn't hold it in anymore! I told my hubby that since I wasn't able to give him what he really wanted, I got him a little something because he'd be my baby daddy one day. He opened the bag to find a tiny LSU onesie, and immediately knew what was going on. He grabbed me in a big hug and started crying. It was such a special moment. We spent the rest of the day shopping for presents to use to announce the pregnancy to the grandparents, aunts, and uncles!

June 22, 2012
We had our first doctor's appointment today! We went in and based on the dates, we expected to be about seven weeks along, but after having our first ultrasound (yay!), we found out we were only about five weeks along. Our less than helpful ultrasound tech had us concerned that something was wrong, but our doctor assured us that everything looked perfect, and that five weeks along matched more consistently with my long cycles. We were relieved. When we thought about it more, we realized that being only five weeks along changed the date of conception from May 15th (which is when we thought it had happened) to May 30th, the day that God promised it would happen. Talk about awesome!

(It's the black circle!)

It was time to tell our family! We went to his parents' house that night, and then drove to New Orleans, and woke my parents with the news the next morning. Everyone in our family got a little bag with a onesie talking about how awesome the person holding it was (i.e. My brother got one that said "I LOVE my uncle!" Everyone was shocked. His mom cried, my mom screamed (and woke my sister up!), my grandparents were overjoyed. The experience was wonderful! My mom, being the overly excited person that she is, loaded us into her car and took us to our cousins' houses, where we barged in and told them we were pregnant. Knock, knock... Surprise! All in all, it made for a great day!

July 2, 2012

I started to have some light spotting at night, but decided to wait until the morning to see if it increased.

July 3, 2012

By the morning, I called the after hours clinic because the spotting had increased. It was the scariest feeling, not being sure what was going on. I was asked to call back at 8:30 to schedule an ultrasound. My husband left for work, with the promise that I'd call when I knew anything. By 8:30, I had begun to experience some cramping, and the spotting could definitely be classified as bleeding at this point. After a lot of tedious phone calls and a lot of maneuvering schedules, I was given an appointment to see the nurse practitioner. When I got to the office, she examined me and sent me to ultrasound. An hour into the wait for the ultrasound, the cramping became more severe. By two hours in, I was doubled over in pain, crying, in a room full of women who were largely pregnant. The bleeding had gotten worse, and just as I was about to tell the technicians that I either needed to lay down or be seen, they called me back to the ultrasound.

The ultrasound was extrememly painful. Every movement made the cramping worse. But then, there was a moment that made it all better. We finally got to see the baby's heartbeat! Seeing the little beats just made the whole day worth it. The tech said that she could see a bleed that would explain everything.

As soon as the ultrasound was over, though, the physical discomfort got worse. I went to the restroom and passed a large clot. Back in the room, I felt nauseous, my hands and feet were tingling, and I didn't think I could stand up. They got a wheelchair to bring me to the nurse practitioner's office. After laying in the office for a few minutes, my extremities felt better, I was able to sit up and drink water, and the feeling returned to my hands and feet. We were discussing whether or not we were still going to tell everyone that we were pregnant on the fourth of July as planned. I would wear my lil' bean shirt and post our puppy picture. We could use all of the prayers possible, after all! This baby was a fighter. Through all of this, that sweet little heartbeat was still going strong!

The nurse practitioner came in and stated that I had probably passed the baby when I was in the restroom, that the technician had seen the baby leave the uterus and begin to exit my body just before she finished the ultrasound. We were shocked. After all, we had been saying all along that all we wanted was a heartbeat. The baby could have any problems, and we would deal with it, as long as it had a heartbeat. The reality began to sink in. We waited around for some bloodwork, and left after four hours, in shock, heartbroken, and completely unsure of what came next. We called our parents, and texted our friends who knew. The love and support we recieved were a true gift, but, as my husband so eloquently stated, we've heard it spoken of a million times- this peace that surpasses all understanding. This was the day when we experienced it for the first time.

We have truly experienced a peace that can only be explained as an outpouring from God. By the world's standards, we should be devastated and without hope, but we're not. Don't get me wrong. We have our moments. This has been a very sad and disappointing week. But we have hope, and we have joy, and we have celebrated the short life of our sweet miracle. We did not miss our miracle... God did not forget to give us one. We had our miracle for seven weeks, and we just miss her (or him if you ask my hubby!!). She will always be a part of us, even though we never got to touch her or even see her in person. We are going through a process of grieving, but through all of it, we are standing strong in our faith, knowing that God has BIG plans for us, and that there is a reason this happend. God will reveal His plan to us, whether it is here or when we see His glorious face. For now, we rejoice in the miracle God gave us, and are broken hearted that it didn't last longer. We know that God is good, and that He has our best in mind. Thank you all for your prayers and support. God has used our friends and family to speak life into our hearts at just the write times, and we know that He will continue to do so.

For now, we stand on Philippians 4:7

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I Hold My Breath When I Read the News...

I never used to read/watch the news. I would occasionally read a headline someone had been talking about.. Recently, I got a smart phone and put the local news app on it. Now, I can't stop. But the difference from reading the paper in the past is that now, I hold my breath when I read the news.

My life has been pretty sheltered. The people around me were all good people, or at least they didn't do things that were news-worthy. Reading the news now, I constantly check addresses to see what block the murder was in, or what corner that shooting happened at. Is it one where my kids frequent? Do we have a family on that block? Then I start the phone calls.

Last year around this time, I was watching the news and there was a report that two boys were hit by a car on the corner that two of our boys lived on. I went through stacks of old sign-up sheets to find a working number for their mom. Upon finally getting in touch with them, I was relieved to find out that the boys were at home, in bed, and Mom (somehow) had no idea what had happened literally right outside their door.

But it finally happened. A few weeks ago, I read an article in the paper about a terrible tragedy. I checked the address, and breathed a huge sigh of relief. Our kids lived two blocks away in one direction, and a couple of blocks away in another. No one lived in that block! That was, until I got a text message from a friend.

Nothing prepares you for tragedy. Praying for God to be with the entire family, as we navigate our way through ministering to them. Standing on Romans 8:28- And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

The Strength to Stand and Endure

        Everyone knows that stability is important... well, I thought everyone did. Knowing who is around you, what is expected of you, and where you are going to be all give people a sense of security and a sense of peace. Especially when it comes to children. One of the things that frustrates me more than anything working in the inner city is the mobility. My students come and go (I have literally had pages of students transferred in and out of my class just this year), sometimes only staying in the same school for three months. We never know if we'll see our kids at church again, or if we've seen them for the last time. Case in point:
         One of our awesome kids on the basketball team that we coach has really been starting to come around. He has a bit of a "personality," but knowing what he's coming from, he's a great kid. We've been working with mom to get a bed for him, because they were looking to move into a new place and he's been sleeping on the couch for years now. He spent all day Saturday with us, going to a local state park for a festival. Sunday, after his bball game, he told us he didn't have any food at the house and wanted us to try to get him some. We sent him home with the leftovers from that day, and brought more hot food to him Monday.
         When we went to pick him up on Thursday, no one was there. No phone call, letting us know where to pick him up. No address as to where to drop his bed off to him. Nothing.
         This is where I have to check my spirit. Am I upset because we've been working with him and now he's gone? Because I may never get to see the fruit truly blossom? Sure, those are in the mix, but I'm truly sad for kids like this. I see it way too often. Every relationship they've built, ever success felt is suddenly left behind for a fresh start. I'm believing that his mom is trying to do well for him. Hopefully she'll come to church Sunday, let us know how to get the bed to her, and let him finish out the last two games of his basketball season.
       But more often than not, we see constant upheaval in these kids' lives. They come and go, and sometimes come back. I know that all that I can do is my best when they're with me, and pray for them once they're gone. But there has to be more.
        Merriam-Webster defines stability as "the strength to stand or endure." If you don't know where your food is coming from, or where you're going to live, if all of the friendships you've made have been suddenly torn apart, how can you be expected to have a healthy, growing existence? I know that a lot more goes into these decisions to move- finances, family life, adult relationships (or the downward spiral of the same), and so much more. It just isn't healthy.
      So, talk without solutions is a moot point, I know. I don't think parents in these situations are choosing to hurt their kids, or that they even realize they're doing it. Maybe the removal from the original situations is doing more good than the move does damage, but at the rate that it happens, I doubt that's the case. I think the best solution is to form relationships with these parents. Help them to learn to face problems and deal with them, not run from them. Working with parents to help them understand how their actions affect the kids, to get help when they need it, and to do what they need to do in order to secure their family's stability is going to be the best way to provide kids with the strength to stand and endure.

It's a sign of the times!

   I concede... I've held out for a long while, but I am finally starting a blog. No guarantees about how often I will post, and I honestly don't even care if anyone reads it, but if you read this, I hope you enjoy it!!

   Please call me on anything you disagree with. I love good conversations that push me further, and constructive feedback is more than welcome. I know that you'll disagree with me from time to time... that's why God is so awesome! I love how He draws us closer to Him through the differences we see in one another. Can't wait to see where God takes me with this. 

   Okay, here goes... a little bit about me! I wear a lot of hats: