Tempered Generosity

     Being generous is wonderful. It always leaves everyone with a warm fuzzy feeling... right?

     Have you ever been on the receiving end of a well-meaning (or not so well-meaning) gift, only to feel slighted? For example, you receive an elaborate gift from someone, but feel it was only meant to impress others? Or maybe someone spends time discipling you, only to disappear without another word? While the person's intentions are appreciated, it almost feels as though the net result was a loss.

     I see this too often. From leaders who mean well, but overbook themselves... from volunteers who are pumped up, but lose interest after the glitter fades... from people who want to give generously, but never get their hands dirty.

     As a church, we are absolutely called to be generous (Acts 20:35 It is more blessed to give than to receive). But we are also called to be devoted. Our generosity- whether with our time, our money, our belongings -should be intentional. It should bless others and put them ahead, but should not leave them feeling abandoned or alone. It should help to empower and encourage the recipient.

     The scene surrounding the giving should be non-existent. The right hand should not know what the left is doing. It is not an opportunity for a giver to receive accolades, nor for her to feel superior. A gift should be a blessing, an investment into another for His glory.

     I pray that when we give, love and humility take center stage, that we keep our hearts and intentions in check. After all, it is only by God's grace that we have the ability to give in the first place.

Other People's Children

     I am a teacher. I have always been a teacher. I love kids. I love helping them learn how to do things. I love shaping and molding their lives. I like to see their faces when they do what they thought they couldn't.

      I also take a weird sense of satisfaction in correcting people's children... at Walmart, the mechanic, the zoo. Weird, I know. But I know that when expectations are raised, kids rise up to meet them.

      So I became a foster parent. Makes sense, right? If you're 25 and single, it's the cool thing to do!

     If you don't know, at 25, I became a certified foster parent, and at 26, I had joint custody with the state of two teenage girls. One lived with me for 3 mos, the other for 15 mos. It had it's moments of pure crazy ( court dates and family visits are almost as bad as the day FOLLOWING court dates and family visits), but the little girl who was with me for 15 mos thrived.

     She made all A's and B's. She was polite and helpful and learned to love Jesus and people in a way she hadn't before. When she left, she fell off the proverbial wagon. She made some bad decisions and started bouncing from house to house. It broke my heart.

      The other little girl had bigger problems. She left us when she wasn't succeeding. She pushed people away and manipulated. Being in foster care fed her desire for attention and drama.

       For the last year, I had been unable to contact either girl. Case workers, therapists and placements had all changed. No one was willing to help connect the dots for me to touch base with them.

      But God moved.

      Some friends ran into the first girl (14 mos), and found out that she is in the process of being adopted by a family who had adopted several other teens from care. I know that with stability like that, she will succeed. Praise Jesus that she found a forever family.

       The other little girl was still a mystery. No one had seen or heard from her. Until yesterday. I turned a corner in a Walmart aisle and boom! ran almost smack into her! We hugged and caught up. I showed her pictures of my new baby, she told me about her life. She has been placed back at home with her mom, and has the longest stretch of healthy decisions (8 mos) that she's had in years. She made some bad decisions recently, but it seems as though she has the support to prevent the bad decisions from becoming habit again.

     Seeing and hearing about the girls reminded me what I love about foster care. Yes, it is crazy (family visits are almost as bad as the after effects of family visits), but is also an opportunity for hope and redemption. We will become certified again ( hubby for the first time) when our sweet little Potato turns 2. Instead of a single girl fostering teens, we will be a family of 3 welcoming itty bitties (no more than a year older than Potato).

     We can't wait to see what God has in store for us. For now, we rest in our peace until it is time for our crazy.

My biggest blessing

    I am a blessed woman. I have more than I need, and am so loved. But I really hit the jackpot when God gave gave my hubby to me.

    I am not always nice. In fact, I can be downright mean. And grumpy. And condescending. (I'm praying about it. Totally not the point of this blog post. :)

     My husband? The opposite. He is truly a servant. Through and through. He loves me through my crazy. He serves me breakfast in bed almost daily. He works his tail off so that I can stay home (mostly) and love on our baby girl. He lifts me up in every situation. He is the spiritual leader of our home.

    To top it all off, I can't imagine going through trials or transitions with anyone else. I truly believe that this one factor will be the game changer. In the periods of major upheaval, we lean on each other, we look to God, and we draw closer to Him as one.

      The list of his awesome qualities goes on and on. I honestly can't believe I got so lucky. I pray that he always knows just how much I love and appreciate him, even (make that especially!) when I'm mean. I would not trade him for anything in the world.

Redemption, Restoration, and... Judgement?!?

Let the redeemed of the Lord say so,  Whom He has redeemed from the hand of the adversary. Psalms 107:2 NASB

     I don't know about you, but I am SO thankful for the grace of God. I try to live a life that pleases Him, but if you know me, (heck, even if you don't!) you know that I mess up. Sometimes I mess up big time. I make mistakes daily that affect others and have an effect on my walk. Thank you Jesus for your grace!

     I try not to air my mistakes. I don't call the news people, or publish my sins across Facebook. If I start down an unhealthy path, God has placed an amazing husband and wonderful, Godly friends in my life who keep me in check and help guide my life in a way that follows Him. I praise Jesus that forgiveness and grace exist, and that most of the matters I deal with are done in the privacy of my relationship with God and those He placed in my life.

     Could you imagine life if God held a grudge? If we weren't able to grow from our mistakes, and the people who now guide us would instead abandon us?

Or if the whole world saw our every sin.

     Redemption is personal. It is something that not everyone sees. An acquaintance once told me something very wise. "Don't tell others about the fights between you and your husband. All they see is the fight. They don't see the reconciliation. They don't know what God has done to restore you."

     Wow. At the time, I was a young believer. This concept holds true for all relationships. It's one reason gossip can be so damaging. And so often in the church, I see this happen. People see the offense, the problem, the drama. But no one is ever able to fully see the redemption. That happens between a person and God. So what do people do?

Judge.

     "Do you remember what so and so did? I can't imagine her getting to lead a small group!" "HE is allowed to preach? Don't you remember what happened just a year ago?"

    I am so glad the world doesn't see everything I do that way. Don't get me wrong. There are times when we have an obligation to step in and say, "Friend, I think you need to spend some more time with God and Godly counsel." IF you are close enough to really know what's going on. IF you approach it prayerfully and Biblically. IF God has placed you in a position of influence in his/her life.

     Otherwise, pray for the person to hear God. Pray that he/she seeks wise, Godly counsel, and pray for restoration! Pray that the leadership/counsel surrounding the person holds the individual accountable.

      And WHEN God restores that person (because our God works all things for the good of those who love Him!), rejoice! And WHEN that person is restored to (or placed in) a position of leadership, ask God to open your heart to His grace and love and mercy. Give others everything God has given you.

     I would not be where I am if not for my mistakes. I would hate to be denied the ability to do what God called me to do, especially by the church. If I make a huge mistake in my life, I pray that God will restore me, those hurt will forgive me, and the church will rejoice with me. I pray that holds true for every member of the body. So thankful for a God who forgives, redeems, and restores.

Missing Our Miracle

February, 2012
We decided to start trying to have a baby! I had always felt as thought I wouldn't be able to carry my own children, and John and I are both open to adopting/fostering. We decided to give it a try until our anniversary in October, but we knew it might be difficult with my unreliable cycles and my thyroid autoimmune disease. If we hadn't conceived by October, we'd go the adoption/fostering route. He REALLY wanted to have a biological child first, though, and was more than willing to try!!

May, 2012
My loving husband decided that it would be GREAT if he could find out on Father's Day that he was going to be a dad. No pressure. Ha! We hadn't had any luck, and I was starting to get frustrated. After I took several pregnancy tests when my cycle was late, all showing negative, I informed John that his Father's Day wish just wasn't going to happen, and he'd have to get over it.

May 30, 2012
During worship at a midweek service at church, I had a moment with God. You know, one of those moments that you can't describe except to say that you were surrounded by the presence of God. I prayed that he would heal me, and allow me to have a child, and I felt an overwhelming confirmation that he would do just that. There's no way to explain it except that it was simply a God moment.

June 5, 2012
I was late... again. This never surprises me. (I've gone six months without a cycle in the past. I've been much more reliable as of late, but nothing is too unusual.) A test came back negative, but I began to think that God had made everything possible just the way he wanted it... I would be able to find out on my birthday (June 10th), and tell my hubby on Father's Day (the following weekend). So I waited...

June 8, 2012
I took another pregnancy test and still negative. I was beginning to feel frustrated. During my morning prayer time, I felt the overwhelming need to pray that my husband's mission trip would be fully funded by the end of the day. This was crazy, because he hadn't recieved money recently, and he was still several hundred dollars away from his goal. I was obedient, though, and again had the overwhelming feeling of God's presence and confirmation. When I received the call from my hubs hn in the afternoon, saying that a check had just cleared for part of his trip, I was so excited and praised God. God had come through with money for his trip! But he was still not to his goal. When he got home, he told me that one of the guys in his men's group had dropped a check to cover the rest of his trip. Are you kidding? This moment was affirmation across the board for me... that even though God's timing and mine weren't the same, He is faithful, and he keeps His word.

June 10, 2012
It's my birthday! But another negative pregnancy test. I was holding tight to the promise of God's faithfulness to ward off the disappointment. I informed John that his Father's Day gift definitely wasn't going to happen. By this time, I was a week late, and decided it was just another whacky cycle. Life continued, God is still good.

June 14, 2012
After still not starting my cycle, I decided to take one last pregnancy test... and it was positive! I took three just to make sure! I went and purchased the Father's Day reveal present... this was really happening!!

June 16, 2012
It was the day before Father's Day, and I couldn't hold it in anymore! I told my hubby that since I wasn't able to give him what he really wanted, I got him a little something because he'd be my baby daddy one day. He opened the bag to find a tiny LSU onesie, and immediately knew what was going on. He grabbed me in a big hug and started crying. It was such a special moment. We spent the rest of the day shopping for presents to use to announce the pregnancy to the grandparents, aunts, and uncles!

June 22, 2012
We had our first doctor's appointment today! We went in and based on the dates, we expected to be about seven weeks along, but after having our first ultrasound (yay!), we found out we were only about five weeks along. Our less than helpful ultrasound tech had us concerned that something was wrong, but our doctor assured us that everything looked perfect, and that five weeks along matched more consistently with my long cycles. We were relieved. When we thought about it more, we realized that being only five weeks along changed the date of conception from May 15th (which is when we thought it had happened) to May 30th, the day that God promised it would happen. Talk about awesome!

(It's the black circle!)

It was time to tell our family! We went to his parents' house that night, and then drove to New Orleans, and woke my parents with the news the next morning. Everyone in our family got a little bag with a onesie talking about how awesome the person holding it was (i.e. My brother got one that said "I LOVE my uncle!" Everyone was shocked. His mom cried, my mom screamed (and woke my sister up!), my grandparents were overjoyed. The experience was wonderful! My mom, being the overly excited person that she is, loaded us into her car and took us to our cousins' houses, where we barged in and told them we were pregnant. Knock, knock... Surprise! All in all, it made for a great day!

July 2, 2012

I started to have some light spotting at night, but decided to wait until the morning to see if it increased.

July 3, 2012

By the morning, I called the after hours clinic because the spotting had increased. It was the scariest feeling, not being sure what was going on. I was asked to call back at 8:30 to schedule an ultrasound. My husband left for work, with the promise that I'd call when I knew anything. By 8:30, I had begun to experience some cramping, and the spotting could definitely be classified as bleeding at this point. After a lot of tedious phone calls and a lot of maneuvering schedules, I was given an appointment to see the nurse practitioner. When I got to the office, she examined me and sent me to ultrasound. An hour into the wait for the ultrasound, the cramping became more severe. By two hours in, I was doubled over in pain, crying, in a room full of women who were largely pregnant. The bleeding had gotten worse, and just as I was about to tell the technicians that I either needed to lay down or be seen, they called me back to the ultrasound.

The ultrasound was extrememly painful. Every movement made the cramping worse. But then, there was a moment that made it all better. We finally got to see the baby's heartbeat! Seeing the little beats just made the whole day worth it. The tech said that she could see a bleed that would explain everything.

As soon as the ultrasound was over, though, the physical discomfort got worse. I went to the restroom and passed a large clot. Back in the room, I felt nauseous, my hands and feet were tingling, and I didn't think I could stand up. They got a wheelchair to bring me to the nurse practitioner's office. After laying in the office for a few minutes, my extremities felt better, I was able to sit up and drink water, and the feeling returned to my hands and feet. We were discussing whether or not we were still going to tell everyone that we were pregnant on the fourth of July as planned. I would wear my lil' bean shirt and post our puppy picture. We could use all of the prayers possible, after all! This baby was a fighter. Through all of this, that sweet little heartbeat was still going strong!

The nurse practitioner came in and stated that I had probably passed the baby when I was in the restroom, that the technician had seen the baby leave the uterus and begin to exit my body just before she finished the ultrasound. We were shocked. After all, we had been saying all along that all we wanted was a heartbeat. The baby could have any problems, and we would deal with it, as long as it had a heartbeat. The reality began to sink in. We waited around for some bloodwork, and left after four hours, in shock, heartbroken, and completely unsure of what came next. We called our parents, and texted our friends who knew. The love and support we recieved were a true gift, but, as my husband so eloquently stated, we've heard it spoken of a million times- this peace that surpasses all understanding. This was the day when we experienced it for the first time.

We have truly experienced a peace that can only be explained as an outpouring from God. By the world's standards, we should be devastated and without hope, but we're not. Don't get me wrong. We have our moments. This has been a very sad and disappointing week. But we have hope, and we have joy, and we have celebrated the short life of our sweet miracle. We did not miss our miracle... God did not forget to give us one. We had our miracle for seven weeks, and we just miss her (or him if you ask my hubby!!). She will always be a part of us, even though we never got to touch her or even see her in person. We are going through a process of grieving, but through all of it, we are standing strong in our faith, knowing that God has BIG plans for us, and that there is a reason this happend. God will reveal His plan to us, whether it is here or when we see His glorious face. For now, we rejoice in the miracle God gave us, and are broken hearted that it didn't last longer. We know that God is good, and that He has our best in mind. Thank you all for your prayers and support. God has used our friends and family to speak life into our hearts at just the write times, and we know that He will continue to do so.

For now, we stand on Philippians 4:7

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.