Reckless Love

"There’s no wall You won’t kick down

Lie You won’t tear down

Coming after me


Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God

Oh, it chases me down, fights ‘til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine

I couldn’t earn it, I don’t deserve it, still You give Yourself away

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God"

- Bethel Music


I sang these lyrics this morning through tears. God LOVES me. There is nowhere that I can go that He won't pursue me with abandon. He wants ME to be with Him, in His presence, no matter the cost to Him, even death. 

But this amazing love which I'm so thankful that He pours out on me, isn't the reason I was in tears.
I was weeping, tears streaming down my face, because God also loves the mothers of my girls, and they don't know it. They have access to all of the heavenly power of the Almighty God, yet their eyes are set elsewhere. 

This powerful, overwhelming love that tears down lies to build me up, that kicks down walls to bring me close, they don't know that love. If you've heard this song before, you are likely one of the 99. You are HIS. That is glorious and worth celebrating. 

But then there is the ONE. I want the Church's heart to break for those people who don't understand the limitless love of God. God's love is powerful and redemptive, it is healing and restorative. And I want everyone to experience His love in a way that wrecks their world. 

I want addicts to experience God's powerful sustenance. 

I want prostitutes to experience God's family through Church community. 

I want abusers to experience God's reckless forgiveness. 

I want murderers to experience God's overwhelming grace. 

I want those broken by unimaginable pain to experience God's restoration. 

I want everyone to experience God's reckless love. Period. 

I want God's love to reach to every hurting person. To transform their lives and bring them into a place of love and joy and peace. REGARDLESS OF THEIR PAST. 

There is no wall He won't kick down, no lie He won't tear down, He's coming after THEM. He's coming after ME. He's coming after US, because at the end of the day, it is not an us and a them. We are all sinners. None of us deserve Him. NONE of us, but we are all in need of His love and forgiveness and grace every day. 

I am praying that God's reckless love reaches the ends of the earth, and that each person in the Church steps up to make that possible.

Practical Ways to Pray for Your Children

I want to be a praying parent. I want my children to be full of God's hope and promises and love. I have implemented a few practical ways to intentionally pray for our kids.

1. Choose a Bible verse for her life.
    While I was still pregnant, we decided that we wanted to have a verse from God's Word to speak over Tater's life. We chose Luke 2:40, and inserted her name:

       "Taters grew in Him and became strong in spirit, 

filled with wisdom, and the grace of God was upon her."

Taters' verse is painted on a pallet and hung on the wall in her room. 

 2. Making Phone Wallpapers
    Monthly, I stop and decide what I am hoping for in Tater's life that month. I then choose a verse to support that idea. I take the verse and use a photopublishing app (I personally like Photofy), and I put the verse over a picture. I then set it as my phone's wallpaper.
     Every time I turn my phone on, I get a reminder to stop and pray for her. I find that it's also a reminder to me as a parent to help encourage her in a specific area of life. When I was praying for her to be courageous (Deut 31:6), I found that I gave her more opportunities to try on her own, and pushed her to go just one step farther on her own. During the Christmas season, I found her verse (Romans 5:9) helped us to constantly remember the reason for the celebration. Such a simple idea has significantly molded and shaped our daily lives. 

4. Prayer Journals

     I keep a prayer journal for each child (I am starting them for our hopefully soon-to-be foster kids, too!). Every other month, I take 20 minutes and write in the journal. I write down my hopes and dreams for her, the verses that I have been praying over her, the things I love about her, any milestones she's reached... Anything that is on my heart! It is a way for her to be able to hold onto the foundation of prayer that was set for her, and it is a way for me to spend intentional time focusing prayer solely on her. I bought a simple composition notebook, and it sits on my end table for the nights when I am just overwhelmed with gratitude for my sweet potato.

4. Praying Aloud

     I want Tater to hear our prayers and see our faith lived out. Whether it is praying for healing over her scraped knee, or praying for her on the way to school, we look for opportunities to demonstrate prayer because we want our kids to have an daily relationship with Jesus. We thank God for his love and resurrection, and for our family and friends, and we pray that our girl grows to follow our example and develop her own personal prayer life. 

I really find that these are practical ways to be intentional about praying for my girl. Prayer is such a powerful tool in parenting. We all struggle at times, but our prayers allow God to fill the gaps. 

Prayers gives hope. 

It gives peace.

Prayer gives abundant life. (John 10:10)

Moments in Ministry: Brandon

     We had a new group of boys show up in kids' church one Sunday. They were 11, the oldest allowed, and they were tough looking guys. No smiles, arms folded across their chests... but they made it, seemingly on their own, to church, so let's do this!
     By the time I got to the rec room after signing all of the kids in, it was worship time. The three boys had the same posture: arms folded, scowls, no attempt to participate.  So I worship my way over to them, start jumping, singing, worshiping with them, engaging them... Sorta. Brandon cracked a smile, looked at his friends and quickly got back to scowling. But it was too late! I had seen a glimmer.
      As the day went on, the boys went to the small group lesson for the older kids. They were learning about having grateful hearts. Their leaders talked to them about being givers and not takers.
    At the end of service Brandon, my smile cracker, walked up, smiled, and gave me a big hug. And then he went home. Who knows if he'll be back, but for that moment, he made what we do worth it. 

    We pray that kids' church becomes a safe place for these kids. I don't know what their home lives are like, and I won't speculate about why they looked so hardened. I can tell you, though, that God cares about each one of them, and He has a plan for Brandon, and all of the other kids we encounter. I am beyond blessed to be able to share a small glimpse of what God sees when we receive His love. 

Christmas Cards with a Purpose

The Christmas season is over, and you find yourself with a stack of beautiful, carefully designed Christmas cards from family and friends. If you are anything like me, you have a hard time just throwing them in the trash. I used to store them in a special container, and they might get glanced at the following year when I put a fresh batch in. It felt like such a waste. 

  Last year, a friend suggested punching a hole in each card and using a ring clip to keep them together. This at least helped to keep the years sorted, and made me feel like it was more of a memento than just "stuff" I was keeping. Somewhere along the line, though, it took on a new meaning.

  These were some of our closest family and friends. They are the people we choose to do life with, those who are closest to us. Shouldn't they mean more to us than just being thrown into a box? So, I hung the ring clip up near the calendar in our kitchen. Every week, I would flip to a new Christmas card, and then I spend time each week praying for that family. It became a great way to be intentional in praying for all of our family and friends throughout the year, and not just when there was a specific prayer request. I sometimes send a message to the friend that week, and do you know what always happens?

   God showed off. When I randomly stuck that family's card on the clip, He knew exactly what would be going on in their life the week I prayed for them. Whether they needed to know that they were not alone, or if they just needed a vote of encouragement, God used the prayer.

   Putting the cards on the rings costs virtually nothing (I think I got 5 rings for $2 at Walmart), and prayer is the most powerful thing we can offer our family and friends. Why not extend the giving of  the Christmas season to the rest of the year? 

Pale Pink Pedal Pushers

                    

  

This week, I wore my precious pale pink pedal pushers for the first time. Big deal, right? Well, it kinda was...
   I fell in love with them on a pre- birthday shopping trip with my mom two years ago. I hate shopping, and rarely find things I like, so to love these pants was a big deal. But alas, they were out of my size. Go figure.
   They said that they could have the right size shipped from another store, so that's what we did! Yay! And then my pants got delayed. Somehow, they weren't going to make it until summer was over.
   The disappointment was completely overshadowed when I found out that I was pregnant! I wouldn't need fit into the pants anyway! Unfortunately, our first sweet baby went to meet Jesus before ever meeting us. It was devastating. Not long after, I got a phone call letting me know that the pale pink pedal pushers were no longer available, and I'd be getting a refund.
   Y'all, it was just a pair of pants. I could probably make them if I really wanted to. But it felt like they represented the story of my journey.
    One day in early fall, a package arrived. It was the pale pink pedal pushers! By this time, I was pregnant with Taters, and they were out of season, so I tucked them away in my closet. The following summer, my sweet girl was born and my body wasn't quite ready for the flat-fronted goodness of my pants. So July 3, 2014, I wore them for the first time... Exactly two years after our sweet baby passed on to heaven.
   Through the journey, these pink linen pants have cone to represent hope even when the reports are against you. They will always remind me of the sweet baby I will one day hold, and of the blessing it is to hold the one I have.

It's Just Child's Play.... right?

I hear the moms say, "My 6 year old (or 3, or 7, or 10...) year old has a girlfriend! Isn't that cute?"

The 5 year old says, "Johnny is my boyfriend!"

I'm going to be honest. I don't find it cute. It actually scares me.

Let's break this down. Kids don't inherently know about boyfriends and girlfriends. They may hear the word as they get older, but as a parent, it is your job to define these terms. If you define boyfriend as someone to play with for a few weeks and then forget about, that becomes a part of your child.

I'm going to back up for a second to clarify. Playing house is great. Children are able to mimic the healthy relationships that they see portrayed, and they explore the roles of Mommy and Daddy, parent and child, etc. This is such an important part of a child's development!

But if we aren't intentional about how we present marriage and dating to our kids, or we don't realize the impact of our language,  they will learn things we never intended.

A friend who used to serve in kids' ministry with us did this the right way. Her boys were 5 and 7, and they understood, at their level, how it worked in God's plan. They would openly offer their knowledge. "Kisses are only for Mommies and my future wife." "I can't hold your hand because I don't want to marry you."

Here's the underlying truth that they understood: romance is not there for fun. It serves a purpose that only comes about after you have decided you could marry a person.

Could you imagine if all of our kids had a foundation that started this way? They would only consider holding hands or kissing if they were interested in marrying the person? Not to see IF they would be interested in marriage, but WHEN they were ready.

Let's help our kids set the stage for intentional romantic relationships and a healthy marriage. Take the teachable moments and help them to define the world in God's terms. I pray that our kids are able to be the amazing men and women God wants for their spouses!

Thinking about sending out Christmas cards? Read this first!

     We love receiving Christmas cards! In fact, we love them so much that we literally leave them up all year, and replace them the following year when we get an updated picture. There is, however, one thing that I hate: terrible grammar, punctuation, and usage. Here are a few tips for your cards:

1. Please capitalize your last name. 
 I know that stylistically it can be fun to change up the look, but it's just incorrect. Unless you are trying to make a significant statement (i.e. poet bell hooks), please use correct capitalization.

2. Use a comma after a greeting or closing! "Warmest wishes," "Wishing you a merry Christmas," and "Sent with love" are all phrases (not complete sentences) and therefore require that they are followed by a comma and then your signature. If you do use a complete sentence, then you may substitute a period or exclamation point, but let's be honest, no one writes, "We hope that you have a merry Christmas!" as a closing. 

3. For the love of all that is good, learn when to use an apostrophe (comma to the top).
An apostrophe signifies ownership. This is Bob's dog. Adding the letter s or es signifies more than one. There are three Bobs in the room. Let's apply this to our cards:

Correct:                         Correct:                         Correct:                     

With love,                      With love,                      With love,

The Smiths                    The Smith family            John Smith's Family 

Incorrect:                      Incorrect:                       Incorrect: 

With love,                      With love,                      With love,

The Smith's                   The Smith's family          The Smiths'

Sincerely, 

The English teacher in me

Why our kids will never believe in Santa

    I'm guessing you're already judging me. Hear me out. The reason probably isn't what you think it is. Yes, I do want Jesus to be at the center of our Christmas. Yes, I want to eliminate the focus on consumption and stuff. These are important to me, but even more important is making sure that my kids feel loved. ALL of my kids. Including those who come from other homes.
    You see, the plan is that Potato will be our only bio baby. God willing, the rest will be fostered/adopted through the state foster care system. We cannot WAIT to bring these littles into our home, but the likelihood of the rest of our children coming to us as infants is slim. And if we get a phone call one November to foster a sweet little 5 year old, how in the world do you think I would explain Santa? I can just hear the conversation now...
Potato: Santa comes every year and brings me lots of toys because I'm good!
Kiddo: I was always good. Why didn't Santa come and bring me any toys? I guess I should have done better....
     Yeah, that won't work. I don't want to lie to my kids, I want to empower them. I want them to know that Jesus' birth is a celebration. I want them to know that HE is the gift, and that His gift is there for them all the time- even if they spill their milk sometimes, or they made their sibling cry that one time (or two or three :). I can not imagine breaking a child's heart with the knowledge that this mythical being passed him/her by, even when the child did everything he/she could to be great. It breaks my heart to think of children living in abuse this Christmas. Can you imagine? Someone is beating them, telling them it's their fault, they shouldn't have done x or said y. Then, Santa doesn't come, and just reinforces the whole message. It honestly makes me sick to my stomach.
     So no, I don't hate Santa. And I definitely won't judge you if your kids believe. I grew up believing, and except for the few weeks after I found out he wasn't real, I wasn't any worse for the wear. But the families that I work with often don't have the means to celebrate Christmas in the consumer-driven, over-the-top manner that modern America does. I never want to play a part in perpetuating feelings of inadequacy in their little hearts. Potato and all of the future littles that will walk through these decked halls will know that the real gift of Christmas is always available to them, and that no matter how "good" they are, they will never be whole without Christ in their hearts.

I Hope She Looks Like Your Mother-in-law: The Picture of Adoption

"I really hope the baby looks like your mother-in-law." My mom looked very concerned. I felt very confused.
     What, Mom? You don't want my baby girl to look like me? She continued, "I just hate my nose. And I've been really worried that the baby will have my nose, and your MIL has such a pretty face."
     I almost died, I was laughing so hard. Yes, laughing. Uncontrollably. It wasn't my mother's vanity that cracked me up (although it was quite laughable!). You see, I was adopted as an infant. What my mom was forgetting was that Potato wouldn't look like her, whether she wanted her to or not!
     Until recently, I didn't realize just how perfect my adoption story is. It is truly a picture of what adoption should look like. My mom (not my second mom, my adoptive mom, or any other title...she raised me, she's my mom) has loved me so much for so long that she completely forgot that I was related by love, not by blood.
     I have always known that I was adopted, and I believe with all of my heart and mind that this is the route any adoptive family should go. Before I was able to understand, my parents read Why Was I Adopted to me. It breaks down adoption to show children the love that covers them by so many. Get it. Read it to your kids (bio or not!). Help them understand.
     My siblings are both biological to my parents. I'm the oldest, and if you are around adoptive families enough, you can probably guess what happened next... My mom found out that she was pregnant a few months after they picked me up from the adoption agency, as happens so often, and again a few years later. But matching DNA (or lack thereof) never mattered. We were all treated with the same love, support, and adoration that a parent shows his/her child. Although I don't look like my family- or any of the WHITE people we grew up around- it didn't matter (I look mixed, if you don't know me!). Everyone knew. No one cared.
     After hearing about my mom's comment, my sister laughed, then looked pensive. "While I was driving the other day, I got excited for you. This will be the first time you will know someone who looks like you." She got it. And was excited. When I'm this wrapped in love, who cares about blood?

Tempered Generosity

     Being generous is wonderful. It always leaves everyone with a warm fuzzy feeling... right?

     Have you ever been on the receiving end of a well-meaning (or not so well-meaning) gift, only to feel slighted? For example, you receive an elaborate gift from someone, but feel it was only meant to impress others? Or maybe someone spends time discipling you, only to disappear without another word? While the person's intentions are appreciated, it almost feels as though the net result was a loss.

     I see this too often. From leaders who mean well, but overbook themselves... from volunteers who are pumped up, but lose interest after the glitter fades... from people who want to give generously, but never get their hands dirty.

     As a church, we are absolutely called to be generous (Acts 20:35 It is more blessed to give than to receive). But we are also called to be devoted. Our generosity- whether with our time, our money, our belongings -should be intentional. It should bless others and put them ahead, but should not leave them feeling abandoned or alone. It should help to empower and encourage the recipient.

     The scene surrounding the giving should be non-existent. The right hand should not know what the left is doing. It is not an opportunity for a giver to receive accolades, nor for her to feel superior. A gift should be a blessing, an investment into another for His glory.

     I pray that when we give, love and humility take center stage, that we keep our hearts and intentions in check. After all, it is only by God's grace that we have the ability to give in the first place.

Other People's Children

     I am a teacher. I have always been a teacher. I love kids. I love helping them learn how to do things. I love shaping and molding their lives. I like to see their faces when they do what they thought they couldn't.

      I also take a weird sense of satisfaction in correcting people's children... at Walmart, the mechanic, the zoo. Weird, I know. But I know that when expectations are raised, kids rise up to meet them.

      So I became a foster parent. Makes sense, right? If you're 25 and single, it's the cool thing to do!

     If you don't know, at 25, I became a certified foster parent, and at 26, I had joint custody with the state of two teenage girls. One lived with me for 3 mos, the other for 15 mos. It had it's moments of pure crazy ( court dates and family visits are almost as bad as the day FOLLOWING court dates and family visits), but the little girl who was with me for 15 mos thrived.

     She made all A's and B's. She was polite and helpful and learned to love Jesus and people in a way she hadn't before. When she left, she fell off the proverbial wagon. She made some bad decisions and started bouncing from house to house. It broke my heart.

      The other little girl had bigger problems. She left us when she wasn't succeeding. She pushed people away and manipulated. Being in foster care fed her desire for attention and drama.

       For the last year, I had been unable to contact either girl. Case workers, therapists and placements had all changed. No one was willing to help connect the dots for me to touch base with them.

      But God moved.

      Some friends ran into the first girl (14 mos), and found out that she is in the process of being adopted by a family who had adopted several other teens from care. I know that with stability like that, she will succeed. Praise Jesus that she found a forever family.

       The other little girl was still a mystery. No one had seen or heard from her. Until yesterday. I turned a corner in a Walmart aisle and boom! ran almost smack into her! We hugged and caught up. I showed her pictures of my new baby, she told me about her life. She has been placed back at home with her mom, and has the longest stretch of healthy decisions (8 mos) that she's had in years. She made some bad decisions recently, but it seems as though she has the support to prevent the bad decisions from becoming habit again.

     Seeing and hearing about the girls reminded me what I love about foster care. Yes, it is crazy (family visits are almost as bad as the after effects of family visits), but is also an opportunity for hope and redemption. We will become certified again ( hubby for the first time) when our sweet little Potato turns 2. Instead of a single girl fostering teens, we will be a family of 3 welcoming itty bitties (no more than a year older than Potato).

     We can't wait to see what God has in store for us. For now, we rest in our peace until it is time for our crazy.

My biggest blessing

    I am a blessed woman. I have more than I need, and am so loved. But I really hit the jackpot when God gave gave my hubby to me.

    I am not always nice. In fact, I can be downright mean. And grumpy. And condescending. (I'm praying about it. Totally not the point of this blog post. :)

     My husband? The opposite. He is truly a servant. Through and through. He loves me through my crazy. He serves me breakfast in bed almost daily. He works his tail off so that I can stay home (mostly) and love on our baby girl. He lifts me up in every situation. He is the spiritual leader of our home.

    To top it all off, I can't imagine going through trials or transitions with anyone else. I truly believe that this one factor will be the game changer. In the periods of major upheaval, we lean on each other, we look to God, and we draw closer to Him as one.

      The list of his awesome qualities goes on and on. I honestly can't believe I got so lucky. I pray that he always knows just how much I love and appreciate him, even (make that especially!) when I'm mean. I would not trade him for anything in the world.

Redemption, Restoration, and... Judgement?!?

Let the redeemed of the Lord say so,  Whom He has redeemed from the hand of the adversary. Psalms 107:2 NASB

     I don't know about you, but I am SO thankful for the grace of God. I try to live a life that pleases Him, but if you know me, (heck, even if you don't!) you know that I mess up. Sometimes I mess up big time. I make mistakes daily that affect others and have an effect on my walk. Thank you Jesus for your grace!

     I try not to air my mistakes. I don't call the news people, or publish my sins across Facebook. If I start down an unhealthy path, God has placed an amazing husband and wonderful, Godly friends in my life who keep me in check and help guide my life in a way that follows Him. I praise Jesus that forgiveness and grace exist, and that most of the matters I deal with are done in the privacy of my relationship with God and those He placed in my life.

     Could you imagine life if God held a grudge? If we weren't able to grow from our mistakes, and the people who now guide us would instead abandon us?

Or if the whole world saw our every sin.

     Redemption is personal. It is something that not everyone sees. An acquaintance once told me something very wise. "Don't tell others about the fights between you and your husband. All they see is the fight. They don't see the reconciliation. They don't know what God has done to restore you."

     Wow. At the time, I was a young believer. This concept holds true for all relationships. It's one reason gossip can be so damaging. And so often in the church, I see this happen. People see the offense, the problem, the drama. But no one is ever able to fully see the redemption. That happens between a person and God. So what do people do?

Judge.

     "Do you remember what so and so did? I can't imagine her getting to lead a small group!" "HE is allowed to preach? Don't you remember what happened just a year ago?"

    I am so glad the world doesn't see everything I do that way. Don't get me wrong. There are times when we have an obligation to step in and say, "Friend, I think you need to spend some more time with God and Godly counsel." IF you are close enough to really know what's going on. IF you approach it prayerfully and Biblically. IF God has placed you in a position of influence in his/her life.

     Otherwise, pray for the person to hear God. Pray that he/she seeks wise, Godly counsel, and pray for restoration! Pray that the leadership/counsel surrounding the person holds the individual accountable.

      And WHEN God restores that person (because our God works all things for the good of those who love Him!), rejoice! And WHEN that person is restored to (or placed in) a position of leadership, ask God to open your heart to His grace and love and mercy. Give others everything God has given you.

     I would not be where I am if not for my mistakes. I would hate to be denied the ability to do what God called me to do, especially by the church. If I make a huge mistake in my life, I pray that God will restore me, those hurt will forgive me, and the church will rejoice with me. I pray that holds true for every member of the body. So thankful for a God who forgives, redeems, and restores.

Missing Our Miracle

February, 2012
We decided to start trying to have a baby! I had always felt as thought I wouldn't be able to carry my own children, and John and I are both open to adopting/fostering. We decided to give it a try until our anniversary in October, but we knew it might be difficult with my unreliable cycles and my thyroid autoimmune disease. If we hadn't conceived by October, we'd go the adoption/fostering route. He REALLY wanted to have a biological child first, though, and was more than willing to try!!

May, 2012
My loving husband decided that it would be GREAT if he could find out on Father's Day that he was going to be a dad. No pressure. Ha! We hadn't had any luck, and I was starting to get frustrated. After I took several pregnancy tests when my cycle was late, all showing negative, I informed John that his Father's Day wish just wasn't going to happen, and he'd have to get over it.

May 30, 2012
During worship at a midweek service at church, I had a moment with God. You know, one of those moments that you can't describe except to say that you were surrounded by the presence of God. I prayed that he would heal me, and allow me to have a child, and I felt an overwhelming confirmation that he would do just that. There's no way to explain it except that it was simply a God moment.

June 5, 2012
I was late... again. This never surprises me. (I've gone six months without a cycle in the past. I've been much more reliable as of late, but nothing is too unusual.) A test came back negative, but I began to think that God had made everything possible just the way he wanted it... I would be able to find out on my birthday (June 10th), and tell my hubby on Father's Day (the following weekend). So I waited...

June 8, 2012
I took another pregnancy test and still negative. I was beginning to feel frustrated. During my morning prayer time, I felt the overwhelming need to pray that my husband's mission trip would be fully funded by the end of the day. This was crazy, because he hadn't recieved money recently, and he was still several hundred dollars away from his goal. I was obedient, though, and again had the overwhelming feeling of God's presence and confirmation. When I received the call from my hubs hn in the afternoon, saying that a check had just cleared for part of his trip, I was so excited and praised God. God had come through with money for his trip! But he was still not to his goal. When he got home, he told me that one of the guys in his men's group had dropped a check to cover the rest of his trip. Are you kidding? This moment was affirmation across the board for me... that even though God's timing and mine weren't the same, He is faithful, and he keeps His word.

June 10, 2012
It's my birthday! But another negative pregnancy test. I was holding tight to the promise of God's faithfulness to ward off the disappointment. I informed John that his Father's Day gift definitely wasn't going to happen. By this time, I was a week late, and decided it was just another whacky cycle. Life continued, God is still good.

June 14, 2012
After still not starting my cycle, I decided to take one last pregnancy test... and it was positive! I took three just to make sure! I went and purchased the Father's Day reveal present... this was really happening!!

June 16, 2012
It was the day before Father's Day, and I couldn't hold it in anymore! I told my hubby that since I wasn't able to give him what he really wanted, I got him a little something because he'd be my baby daddy one day. He opened the bag to find a tiny LSU onesie, and immediately knew what was going on. He grabbed me in a big hug and started crying. It was such a special moment. We spent the rest of the day shopping for presents to use to announce the pregnancy to the grandparents, aunts, and uncles!

June 22, 2012
We had our first doctor's appointment today! We went in and based on the dates, we expected to be about seven weeks along, but after having our first ultrasound (yay!), we found out we were only about five weeks along. Our less than helpful ultrasound tech had us concerned that something was wrong, but our doctor assured us that everything looked perfect, and that five weeks along matched more consistently with my long cycles. We were relieved. When we thought about it more, we realized that being only five weeks along changed the date of conception from May 15th (which is when we thought it had happened) to May 30th, the day that God promised it would happen. Talk about awesome!

(It's the black circle!)

It was time to tell our family! We went to his parents' house that night, and then drove to New Orleans, and woke my parents with the news the next morning. Everyone in our family got a little bag with a onesie talking about how awesome the person holding it was (i.e. My brother got one that said "I LOVE my uncle!" Everyone was shocked. His mom cried, my mom screamed (and woke my sister up!), my grandparents were overjoyed. The experience was wonderful! My mom, being the overly excited person that she is, loaded us into her car and took us to our cousins' houses, where we barged in and told them we were pregnant. Knock, knock... Surprise! All in all, it made for a great day!

July 2, 2012

I started to have some light spotting at night, but decided to wait until the morning to see if it increased.

July 3, 2012

By the morning, I called the after hours clinic because the spotting had increased. It was the scariest feeling, not being sure what was going on. I was asked to call back at 8:30 to schedule an ultrasound. My husband left for work, with the promise that I'd call when I knew anything. By 8:30, I had begun to experience some cramping, and the spotting could definitely be classified as bleeding at this point. After a lot of tedious phone calls and a lot of maneuvering schedules, I was given an appointment to see the nurse practitioner. When I got to the office, she examined me and sent me to ultrasound. An hour into the wait for the ultrasound, the cramping became more severe. By two hours in, I was doubled over in pain, crying, in a room full of women who were largely pregnant. The bleeding had gotten worse, and just as I was about to tell the technicians that I either needed to lay down or be seen, they called me back to the ultrasound.

The ultrasound was extrememly painful. Every movement made the cramping worse. But then, there was a moment that made it all better. We finally got to see the baby's heartbeat! Seeing the little beats just made the whole day worth it. The tech said that she could see a bleed that would explain everything.

As soon as the ultrasound was over, though, the physical discomfort got worse. I went to the restroom and passed a large clot. Back in the room, I felt nauseous, my hands and feet were tingling, and I didn't think I could stand up. They got a wheelchair to bring me to the nurse practitioner's office. After laying in the office for a few minutes, my extremities felt better, I was able to sit up and drink water, and the feeling returned to my hands and feet. We were discussing whether or not we were still going to tell everyone that we were pregnant on the fourth of July as planned. I would wear my lil' bean shirt and post our puppy picture. We could use all of the prayers possible, after all! This baby was a fighter. Through all of this, that sweet little heartbeat was still going strong!

The nurse practitioner came in and stated that I had probably passed the baby when I was in the restroom, that the technician had seen the baby leave the uterus and begin to exit my body just before she finished the ultrasound. We were shocked. After all, we had been saying all along that all we wanted was a heartbeat. The baby could have any problems, and we would deal with it, as long as it had a heartbeat. The reality began to sink in. We waited around for some bloodwork, and left after four hours, in shock, heartbroken, and completely unsure of what came next. We called our parents, and texted our friends who knew. The love and support we recieved were a true gift, but, as my husband so eloquently stated, we've heard it spoken of a million times- this peace that surpasses all understanding. This was the day when we experienced it for the first time.

We have truly experienced a peace that can only be explained as an outpouring from God. By the world's standards, we should be devastated and without hope, but we're not. Don't get me wrong. We have our moments. This has been a very sad and disappointing week. But we have hope, and we have joy, and we have celebrated the short life of our sweet miracle. We did not miss our miracle... God did not forget to give us one. We had our miracle for seven weeks, and we just miss her (or him if you ask my hubby!!). She will always be a part of us, even though we never got to touch her or even see her in person. We are going through a process of grieving, but through all of it, we are standing strong in our faith, knowing that God has BIG plans for us, and that there is a reason this happend. God will reveal His plan to us, whether it is here or when we see His glorious face. For now, we rejoice in the miracle God gave us, and are broken hearted that it didn't last longer. We know that God is good, and that He has our best in mind. Thank you all for your prayers and support. God has used our friends and family to speak life into our hearts at just the write times, and we know that He will continue to do so.

For now, we stand on Philippians 4:7

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

I Hold My Breath When I Read the News...

I never used to read/watch the news. I would occasionally read a headline someone had been talking about.. Recently, I got a smart phone and put the local news app on it. Now, I can't stop. But the difference from reading the paper in the past is that now, I hold my breath when I read the news.

My life has been pretty sheltered. The people around me were all good people, or at least they didn't do things that were news-worthy. Reading the news now, I constantly check addresses to see what block the murder was in, or what corner that shooting happened at. Is it one where my kids frequent? Do we have a family on that block? Then I start the phone calls.

Last year around this time, I was watching the news and there was a report that two boys were hit by a car on the corner that two of our boys lived on. I went through stacks of old sign-up sheets to find a working number for their mom. Upon finally getting in touch with them, I was relieved to find out that the boys were at home, in bed, and Mom (somehow) had no idea what had happened literally right outside their door.

But it finally happened. A few weeks ago, I read an article in the paper about a terrible tragedy. I checked the address, and breathed a huge sigh of relief. Our kids lived two blocks away in one direction, and a couple of blocks away in another. No one lived in that block! That was, until I got a text message from a friend.

Nothing prepares you for tragedy. Praying for God to be with the entire family, as we navigate our way through ministering to them. Standing on Romans 8:28- And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

The Strength to Stand and Endure

        Everyone knows that stability is important... well, I thought everyone did. Knowing who is around you, what is expected of you, and where you are going to be all give people a sense of security and a sense of peace. Especially when it comes to children. One of the things that frustrates me more than anything working in the inner city is the mobility. My students come and go (I have literally had pages of students transferred in and out of my class just this year), sometimes only staying in the same school for three months. We never know if we'll see our kids at church again, or if we've seen them for the last time. Case in point:
         One of our awesome kids on the basketball team that we coach has really been starting to come around. He has a bit of a "personality," but knowing what he's coming from, he's a great kid. We've been working with mom to get a bed for him, because they were looking to move into a new place and he's been sleeping on the couch for years now. He spent all day Saturday with us, going to a local state park for a festival. Sunday, after his bball game, he told us he didn't have any food at the house and wanted us to try to get him some. We sent him home with the leftovers from that day, and brought more hot food to him Monday.
         When we went to pick him up on Thursday, no one was there. No phone call, letting us know where to pick him up. No address as to where to drop his bed off to him. Nothing.
         This is where I have to check my spirit. Am I upset because we've been working with him and now he's gone? Because I may never get to see the fruit truly blossom? Sure, those are in the mix, but I'm truly sad for kids like this. I see it way too often. Every relationship they've built, ever success felt is suddenly left behind for a fresh start. I'm believing that his mom is trying to do well for him. Hopefully she'll come to church Sunday, let us know how to get the bed to her, and let him finish out the last two games of his basketball season.
       But more often than not, we see constant upheaval in these kids' lives. They come and go, and sometimes come back. I know that all that I can do is my best when they're with me, and pray for them once they're gone. But there has to be more.
        Merriam-Webster defines stability as "the strength to stand or endure." If you don't know where your food is coming from, or where you're going to live, if all of the friendships you've made have been suddenly torn apart, how can you be expected to have a healthy, growing existence? I know that a lot more goes into these decisions to move- finances, family life, adult relationships (or the downward spiral of the same), and so much more. It just isn't healthy.
      So, talk without solutions is a moot point, I know. I don't think parents in these situations are choosing to hurt their kids, or that they even realize they're doing it. Maybe the removal from the original situations is doing more good than the move does damage, but at the rate that it happens, I doubt that's the case. I think the best solution is to form relationships with these parents. Help them to learn to face problems and deal with them, not run from them. Working with parents to help them understand how their actions affect the kids, to get help when they need it, and to do what they need to do in order to secure their family's stability is going to be the best way to provide kids with the strength to stand and endure.

It's a sign of the times!

   I concede... I've held out for a long while, but I am finally starting a blog. No guarantees about how often I will post, and I honestly don't even care if anyone reads it, but if you read this, I hope you enjoy it!!

   Please call me on anything you disagree with. I love good conversations that push me further, and constructive feedback is more than welcome. I know that you'll disagree with me from time to time... that's why God is so awesome! I love how He draws us closer to Him through the differences we see in one another. Can't wait to see where God takes me with this. 

   Okay, here goes... a little bit about me! I wear a lot of hats: